Three Methods '_Thera-Posing'_ Negatively Impacts Your Romantic Relationships, Explained by a Clinical Psychologist
Dating jargon has taken over our social media captions, chat sessions, and even everyday conversations. Words like 'boundaries', 'emotional triggers', 'attachment styles,' and 'inner child wounds' seem to be popping up everywhere, even in our dating lives. But when therapy-speak becomes a mask for a lack of self-awareness, it falls into something we call 'thera-posing'.
Thera-posing refers to using therapy jargon to appear emotionally evolved without actually doing the inner work required for it. While it may sound impressive at first sight, it leads to emotional distance, causing true intimacy to fade away.
Here are three ways thera-posing can push potential partners away:
1. Turning Dates into Therapy Sessions
Imagine starting your first date like this: "Oh, you're totally avoidantly attached," or "That sounds like unresolved trauma." It may feel impressive to show off our knowledge of psychology, but turning a date into an impromptu therapy session is intrusive and impersonal. It makes the other person feel analyzed instead of understood.
When therapy-speak dominates dating conversations, emotional exchanges quickly shift from genuine to clinical. Instead of fostering intimacy, these moments become like mini therapy sessions, where feelings are dissected and labeled. This happens due to our cultural acceptance of psychological terms, leading to frequent misinterpretations and oversimplifications.
2. Diminishing Emotional Depth
Before therapy language became popular, people expressed their emotions more directly. Feelings in dating used to be simple and heartfelt. Now, thanks to social media trends and self-help posts, many daters lean on therapy-speak, using terms like 'trauma bonding' or 'love bombing' without a proper understanding.
Research shows that the core of strong relationships is built on "perceived partner responsiveness" – feeling understood, valued, and supported. Impressive partners who use therapy-speak may seem knowledgeable about emotional regulation and healthy boundaries, but their use of jargon reduces emotional depth in exchange for clinical detachment.
3. Shirking Personal Responsibility
Thera-posing often serves as a shield against personal responsibility. Misusing psychological terms is a way to excuse unhealthy relationship behavior instead of showing emotional maturity. This mirrors a psychological dynamic called "weaponized incompetence," where individuals feign inability to avoid responsibility. Instead of working on themselves, people use these terms to justify emotional shutdowns and poor communication, undermining true emotional growth and connection.
How to Avoid Therapy-Posing in Dating
- Match your words with actions: Be authentic, not just theoretical. Show up and follow through with your words.
- Skip the jargon: Speak plainly about emotions instead of using advanced psychology terms.
- Notice patterns and work on them: Share your experiences and work on changing them, instead of using them as a reason to avoid responsibility.
- Listen to understand: Engage with your partner's emotions and experiences without over-analyzing them.
In relationships, genuine intimacy is not about having all the right words or sounding knowledgeable. It's about being present, authentic, and accountable. Authenticity plays a crucial role in fostering emotional connections beyond just using fancy therapy-speak.
- Engaging in 'thera-posing' can hinder deep connections in dating, using therapy jargon to appear emotionally evolved while bypassing the necessary inner work.
- Misusing psychological terms like 'gaslighting' or 'weaponized incompetence' in a dating context can lead to emotional distance and create a sense of being analyzed rather than understood.
- Overreliance on therapy-speak can diminish emotional depth in relationships, as feelings become clinical and dissected, leading to frequent misunderstandings and oversimplifications.
- Turning first dates into therapy sessions can be intrusive and impersonal, making the other person feel as though they are being objectified and analyzed instead of being truly understood.5 'Attachment styles,' such as 'avoidantly attached,' can be discussed openly in relationships, but using them to analyze or categorize a partner during a date can be perceived as judgmental and distant.6 'Mark Travers,' a renowned psychotherapist, emphasizes the importance of authenticity and self-awareness in relationships, suggesting that genuine intimacy is not about sounding knowledgeable but rather about being present, accountable, and engaged.7 'Narcissists' often use therapy jargon to deflect personal responsibility, employing 'thera-posing' as a way to avoid acknowledging and addressing their own emotional dysfunction.